The purpose of this page is to list the many questions that are asked by guests while we are out on a job. So if you think you have what it takes to be a pig roast person, think again. You will be asked the SAME questions so many times you will start to hear them in your sleep. At first it is like some kind of evil torture, then you become numb to it. This is how it works: You’re the cook, there are 50 plus people arriving at this party and most of them if not all will come up and start with what I call the pig quiz. (this is not meant to offend anyone, just stating the facts)
Ever see the movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray? All joking aside, that is my life when I cook a pig. After 22 years and over 1000 catering jobs... this is what I have to endure.
Where is the apple?
Wow that is a big pig, how much does it weigh?
Did you kill it?
How did you kill it?
What did you feed it?
Really... you have a website!
Is it a boy or a girl?
What kind of spice do you use?
Where is the apple?
In the Philippines we cook it in the ground.
Where did you get it?
Was it dead when you put in the roaster?
Where does the bacon come from?
In the Philippines we cook it so that... Go back to the Philippines.
Can I have the Nose?
Look it still has the teeth!
How did you catch it?
Where is the apple?
When did you start cooking it?
Where did you cook it? (Question being asked about 3 feet from a hot oven on a cold day)
Are the guts still inside?
What was its name? Babe
What do the eyes taste like?
Can I have a bone for my dog?
How long have you been cooking pigs?
Where did you learn to cook pigs?
You are a sick, cruel person! (from the mouth of that college girl who has all of life's answers, but will be in therapy just 5 years out of college)
Do you have a pig farm?
How do you know when it is done?
Where is the apple? (In the pigs butt) (oh I was supposed to put it in his mouth, silly me)
Can I have the ribs?
Do pigs eat people?
What does it taste like?
Where do pigs live?
How come you didn't cook it in the ground? Well Scooter, I some how thought that Mr. Customer didn't want me to dig up his back yard. Oh. So where is the apple?
What part do they make the hot dogs from? the part that squeals
What does the tounge taste like?
Can I have the head?
Is that a real pig? Just go... close your eyes and walk into traffic or something... please.
Does it have a name? No. Oh good then I can eat it.
What was its name? What is your name? (Person states their name) Hey that's a great name for a pig!
Is it fattening to eat? I am on a diet.
I saw it cooked in a box on the food network.
Can I have the feet? My uncle said they are the best part.
Where is the brain? Oh let’s see... hummm maybe in the head.
Where is the apple? (At this point Gary sticks a knife in their eye)
Where are the eyes? Pigs have their eyes in their feet. You’re joking right? Well short stroke you started it.
My dog likes pig ears.
The list goes on and on and on... and shut up about the apple (put an apple in your oven at 350 degrees for 5-6 hours and you have a pile of mush. Put it in the pigs mouth while cooking and in 3 hours the pig looks like it has rabies. The apple is an OPTIONAL garnish.
And if you think this is funny, well then... yes then there are those even more stupid people that read this page before I come to their party, emails it to the guest list and everyone thinks it's "cool" to come and... Well show their IQ by asking the stupid questions listed above. These are usually the same people that think "Tipping" is a city in China. Remember after almost 15 years I can read party goers like a book.
Then there are the stories:
Hey you know what I went to Hawaii and I had seen it cooked in the ground (says every single person who has ever been to Hawaii). I have heard this story so many damn times I truly feel I have met every single person who has ever been to Hawaii.
The college stories always start with: "Yeah we cooked one in college and we all got drunk":
And the pig caught fire,
Someone stole it when we weren't looking,
It wasn't done and the girls all puked,
We were all arrested and the police ate our pig,
We dumped beer on it,
Bob fell in the fire and we laughed,
Marvin's shoes caught fire,
the tent caught fire,
Yes I have heard every pig story you can think of. I could write a book about the "yeah we cooked one in college" stories. But nothing beats the one I heard in Mountainville NJ. It was from a nice lady who was looking at the pig on the carving table and said the following: "Wow that looks and Smells so good. I have only been to one other pig roast and that was when my husband was in the Military back in Washington State. It was a good party but after they ate the pig they got drunk and threw the pig in the pool." Yes in the pool. Now try and beat that one.
Update: April 15 2019.
So this is not really a "pig story" per-say, however I would call it the "best statement ever after opening the pig roasting oven.
Let me set the stage here; see when we arrive to cook at a party nobody is ever there. In fact sometimes the hosts are just rolling out of bed at 8:00am on a Saturday morning. But this party was different.
We arrive about lunch time and the guest are all there and most are drunk already. They found homemade wine in the basement. Yeah a real joy setting everything up as drunks are asking all the usual questions.
After the pig has been cooking for about 2 hours and it is looking all nice and crispy brown with the smell of the pork fat and hardwood in the air... It is time to open the roaster to check the coals and all the drunks gather around to see the pig and give it a gawk.
So as I open the roaster the one guy says "wow is that what I would look like if I was in that oven for 2 hours?" (everybody laughs)
His buddy holding his shoulder to stand (so he doesn't fall) says "no you wouldn't look that good... but you'd still look like a pig."
Switching gears, here is some info that some find interesting. unknown author.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Have a nice day.